I have not survived yet. My troops still hunker down behind the fort waiting for the victory. My comrades, finals are here.
My life has been on hold for three months while I passed my classes, turned in homework, wrote papers, and worked every day. I don’t count school as a part of my life, it’s more of an interruption in my creative projects. Although, my honors art class helped to inspire my comic creations and get me into playing around with music composition; for that, I am grateful. Otherwise, I can’t wait for the break. I really hate school. I enjoy some of my English classes, since that is my major, and I also enjoy my sociology classes. But, the homework, the required general electives, the mandated curriculum and content are incredibly boring. Like, how do I take all this bullshit and apply it to real life? I thought after high school the forced feeding of useless knowledge would end, but it has continued and endured not to my liking. Ahhhh, three more semesters left.
I have lived on my own for a little more than a year now, and I have only been in an apartment for maybe six months. I go to work six days a week for five hours a day, and I hope to increase my hours once finals end. It has definitely been an interesting year. So many changes, knowing so many people and then not knowing them, moving and knowing I will move again, etc. Everything is so temporary right now. It’s very frightening, but I enjoy the thrill even if I stress out about it. I am constantly making decisions. Every decision I make molds my life into the next phase and solidifies or changes my values and motives. I am always questioning myself: why do I lack this? What can I change? Where am I going? What drives me? Should I write today?
The challenge I face is answering these questions. I believe it is important to say “yes” more often than “no”, but “no” has such a power in it that I have never exercised before. I have a right to put my foot down or to say “fuck the system” or to not comply or compromise my happiness for your inconvenience. I have really learned to say “that’s your problem”. I have to take care of myself because I am most important before anyone else. Anyone who will stand in my way is not worth my time, effort, or thought. You don’t like it? Get out of my life.
I am confident most times and in most circumstances. I am more confident at school than not, but work is entirely different. I have worked at said place as a janitor/housekeeper for almost ten months now, and I know my shit. However, my boss keeps moving me to different positions without the adequate training; I have asked for this training recently because I feel very incompetent when I need to ask for help. I confuse pride with confidence in some situations like these. My girlfriend is always reminding me to breathe, ask for help, better myself, and swallow my pride so I can learn from others. It’s hard to do that; she says it’s the Aries in me.
I’m looking forward to this break to catch up on some long overdue self reflection and assess what I want to do next and where I want to go. Hopefully, I can somehow manage to save up money to move into my new apartment in May and possibly go to NYC for a few days to visit Shawn. Priorities first though: apartment.
And, because I cannot transfer to the University of New Orleans because my credits would be dramatically lowered, my girlfriend is moving in with me. Here’s to another year, Hammond.
Interview with Nate Hammett on his experience with homophobic violence.