Shame

Shame swallows you up,

it wells up inside you like

a tidal wave about to wash away

the soul camp at the edge of your heart.

Shame makes you back away

into a corner with your tail between your legs while

the attacker comes nearer, knife in hand-

and you feel the knife enter your flesh,

blood drips from your lips.

Shame pursues you with threatening

winds, lightning strikes at your heels,

and rain wetting the ground that

loosens the dirt beneath your feet.

Shame wears you out

and puts you to sleep

like a miscarried baby

that never saw the light of day.

June 18, 2015

The sunlight is peaking out through the blinds in my room while I sit on my bed and tap away on my keyboard. It is late afternoon, about forty minutes before I have to be at work, and I am enjoying the sounds outside. The birds are chirping, cars are zooming by, a train passes over the tracks, people are talking. This is how I am spending my summer.

I have read three and a half books already (the current one Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out is on the nightstand). Before that was Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown, Girl, Interrupted Susana Kaysen, and Delta of Venus by Anais Nin. I opted out of summer classes because I just need a break after the past semester, I really do. I have become a recluse between working and going to school, and now I am a recluse because I read all the time.

The significant other has been working, too. They are off on the weekends. But, Monday through Thursday I am alone all day until I have to work or until they get home. I do not mind being alone; in fact, I am using this time to sort out my own self. I am looking for purpose though people tell me that my purpose is to be in school. I feel that there is more I need to accomplish. SO tells me it is not time yet, and I must wait or else I will drive myself crazy. Because of this, I have stopped worrying so much in that area of my life. Yet, there is another area I am exploring.  The confusion comes from  how  I express my true self.

As you and I both know, I am transgender. For the past year, I dressed very masculine and stopped shaving. Now, I am becoming more comfortable with my feminine side while trying to express my masculinity, too. I shaved because I enjoy smooth skin, I wear jewelry because I like the way it looks, I wear loose blouses sometimes because I enjoy the silky feeling. Simultaneously, I wear baggy jeans and pants, sneakers, t-shirts, button-ups. Naturally, I am at a crossroads. What is happening? My inner self is not matching with my outer self. I think I may need to cut my hair, I think about getting a binder, and/or maybe some more loose blouses.

My inner self is a very feminine man like Michael Jackson or Robert Mapplethorpe while also wanting to be Marlon Brando.

Is it easier to see why I get confused?

April 1, 2015

DSCN0267

Yesterday was Trans Day of Visibility, and I know, I’m late. I just wanted to share with you all my journey at present.

After much deliberation, I have concluded that I am a non-binary transgender queer person. This journey isn’t over though, and I have a long road to accepting myself as well. But, having my love’s support along with my friends and family, I think I can make it ok.

This semester has been rough like I posted a day or so ago, and part of that is accepting myself/dealing with dysphoria/depression and other college/work life issues. I know I will get through all of this in one piece as long as I continue to have the support and love I do now.

I don’t know where I will end up five or ten years from now; at one point, I thought I did. My life has changed so much since I graduated high school and moved away. I can’t imagine how it will be in the next two years.

Part of this journey is travelling. I have a year and half until college is over, but I can tell I will need some time to see what makes the natural world so beautiful.

Because: I am a part of nature, and I am beautiful.