The sunlight is peaking out through the blinds in my room while I sit on my bed and tap away on my keyboard. It is late afternoon, about forty minutes before I have to be at work, and I am enjoying the sounds outside. The birds are chirping, cars are zooming by, a train passes over the tracks, people are talking. This is how I am spending my summer.
I have read three and a half books already (the current one Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out is on the nightstand). Before that was Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown, Girl, Interrupted Susana Kaysen, and Delta of Venus by Anais Nin. I opted out of summer classes because I just need a break after the past semester, I really do. I have become a recluse between working and going to school, and now I am a recluse because I read all the time.
The significant other has been working, too. They are off on the weekends. But, Monday through Thursday I am alone all day until I have to work or until they get home. I do not mind being alone; in fact, I am using this time to sort out my own self. I am looking for purpose though people tell me that my purpose is to be in school. I feel that there is more I need to accomplish. SO tells me it is not time yet, and I must wait or else I will drive myself crazy. Because of this, I have stopped worrying so much in that area of my life. Yet, there is another area I am exploring. The confusion comes from how I express my true self.
As you and I both know, I am transgender. For the past year, I dressed very masculine and stopped shaving. Now, I am becoming more comfortable with my feminine side while trying to express my masculinity, too. I shaved because I enjoy smooth skin, I wear jewelry because I like the way it looks, I wear loose blouses sometimes because I enjoy the silky feeling. Simultaneously, I wear baggy jeans and pants, sneakers, t-shirts, button-ups. Naturally, I am at a crossroads. What is happening? My inner self is not matching with my outer self. I think I may need to cut my hair, I think about getting a binder, and/or maybe some more loose blouses.
My inner self is a very feminine man like Michael Jackson or Robert Mapplethorpe while also wanting to be Marlon Brando.
Is it easier to see why I get confused?